TWO YEARS

its been two years now, two years today since I left Ireland and said goodbye to it all, and who knew  that things would end up the way they did, that I would be here now and feeling the way I do about everything, that I would be so strong but also so weak.

Two years ago I left my home forever with a set plan in my mind, a set of goals and aims, of things I wanted to achieve and things I planned. Non of those things came to pass, at least not the way I imagined them, and yet I wouldn't change it for the world.

When I left I had this perfect vision, I was going to move to Weymouth to stay with my little sister and my godmothers family, and get my life on track. I was staying there temporarily while I found a job and a place to live in Exeter, with Luke a man who I had met on here and I believed I'd fallen in love with. I guess, deep down, I knew it would never work. I was too much of a mess when I landed, too much of a headstate, to ever settle down and be happy. Weymouth was never going to be my final stop, and looking back I think I knew that deep down. There was no life for me there, I never made the effort to put down roots or find a home, make myself happy, and for that reason it would never have worked. It would have left me a mess forever, because much as I love the area and find it a beautiful town it just wasn't home. Too many snobby people, too many stuck up attitudes, and just not enough love for people who aren't from the area.

I was depressed, and finding it hard to cope, homesick and a bipolar swing plus coming down off a lot of drugs all in one go isnt the best way to start a new life, and it fell apart. I spent the whole four months I lived down there horribly depressed, rarely leaving my bed and leaving my house even less. The only good things about my time down there, if I'm honest, was the days spent walking the cliffs with my 13 year old adopted brother, and some of the music. And the days out, because that summer I managed to achieve one of my life long goals and climbed Glastonbury Torr barefoot, to reach the top and look over the land that once was Avalon.

Now I look back, two years later, from my own house and I realise just how lucky I am. Its been a long hard fight, but I am happy now. Since moving to Hinckley in September 2010 my life has slowly started to come together, I've found focus and reason and things to live for. Drugs took me over for a while when I got here, and I smoked a lot of green to the point where I couldn't see much for many many moons, but it was what needed to be done. And once I had my little girl, my princess, my world, that all stopped and I finally became the woman I knew I could always be.

I think, looking through life and what i've done, whats happened over the years, that it all came back to Holly and my need to be a mother. Since my little girl passed almost five years ago I couldn't be happy, couldn't see a reason for life or a reason to try anything, a reason to carry on. But having my Aisling, becoming a mum for a second time and having a reason to keep going has straightened me out more than I could ever imagine. I am happy, content in my life and finally at peace. I have a nice help, a bunch of good friends I know I could survive anything with, and the most beautiful little girl in the world.

Life runs in full circles, its just a case of finding where your circle ends, where you want to be, and settling into it. Two years ago I left Ireland because I wanted to be happy, to make a life and I'd fallen in love with someone I met on this site, I wanted nothing more than to spend my life with him, start a family and be happy. Today I look at my life and realise I've achieved everything I set out to do, if not in a round about way. I've got my family, my house, I'm exactly who I wanted to be in terms of a person, and yet again I've fallen in love with someone I met on this website. He's not Luke, but me and Luke were never meant to be, and what I feel for him means more to me than he ever did, I have more trust in him than I ever did with Luke where there was always doubts, and I know now that I'm in the right position to do that, to be with someone and love them without the problems that have haunted me for way too long.

Here, heres to the future, the happy days, the summers and winters, the every day. Just me and my beautiful little girl, the rest of our lives together and hopefully with him by our sides.

Here, here's to the past, to the friends that will never be forgotten and the life that was, will always be a part of me but controlling no more. Here's to the people who made me who I am, the people who touched my heart in ways I could only imagine, and the ones who stick by me even now two years after I left them all behind.

Here's to life, the future, the everything and forever that I strive for and will achieve. I will always be Sam, Cork girl by blood heart and mind, but I'm a Hinckley girl now and I will love it, live it and  be happy forever.

Thank you deviantart, the site and the friends from here, for being with me through it all, through all the worst times and the best. Thank you for giving me a place to vent, a place to be myself and a place to just let loose. A place where I could spill my heart, or hide away and not feel, and for bringing me through the years to all the best friends I could ever ask for.

Goodbye old life, and hello future I've been looking forward to you.

Sam.