this is just a brief thought, or not so brief, about those months that left cork. its an acceptance, and an acknowledgement, and a thank you, to each and every one of you for helping me become who i am and for sticking by me through the worst.
i love you all
Drugs were our vice, the one thing that brought us together. and in the end, the only thing that kept us together, because when one of us decided that we wanted to stop we would inevitably drift apart.
it had always been drugs, or some sort of abuse, that had brought us together. that first summer it was a love of baking ourselves in the sun, of stupid piericings which we took out a few days later when they got infected, of sunburn so bad we couldn't move. and once i started doing something else with my time we drifted, stopped talking, and turned to hating each other.
next it was alcohol, as we went through an alcoholic stage a few years later. every night or day seemed to turn into a bottle of vodka, as we attempted to kill each other in that way. and again, when something else came along, we drifted, yet somehow ended up in the same place a few months later to continue our path to the final distruction.
our final vice, that was weed. and that, that was what truly killed what we had, strange as our relationship may have been. she was my drug buddie, the other half of me who was there, pushing for another baggie when i thought i'd had enough, encouraging me to try it just a little bit more. and i guess, i guess weed was fine at the time, although on the outside we were nothing but a mess. we would do nothing but buy a bag, get stoned, and sit around all day. she wouldn't go to school, i wouldn't try to get anything sorted, i was rarely even going out to work at night, and when i was then it was only for a few hours before coming home. my income dropped by about 300 euro per week, yet my drug intake upped by about 10grams.
and then we discovered snorting.
and once i hit the snorters, i knew it was over. i was on my way out, one way or another, although i never thought it would be this way.
looking back now, i can see what destroyed us, i can see it all spread out in near perfect detail as if i'm looking in rather than looking out. and i see what it was and i see how horrific it was. i was a drug addict, a mess, a headstate. and finally i accept what they were saying, all those people who said i had no chance.
that last month, when i decided i'd had enough and hit my "going away party", that was when they feared the worst. because all i would talk about was that i was going. and sometimes it would be "haha i'm moving to england in a few weeks omg i cant wait its going to be amazing..." and other times, other times my moods would flip, and i would sit there with a joint in my hand, and freak out because "dude i'm moving to england in this many days its my last month/week/weekend/friday in cork"
i was off my face, i was going out with a bang and honestly, when people told me i wasnt going to survive i can see how they would think that. i was a state, was horrific, was so unwell it was unbelievable. i was on a full scale path to a junk addiction and a slow and painful death as an addict, and i couldnt see it.
and i think its that i couldn't see it that saved me. yet again, like with the anorexia, it was not knowing what was going on that saved my life.
because i know if i had been told with my anorexia just how bad i was, that i had two weeks to live, then i would have given up on everything and just said my goodbyes.
and i know with my addiction, that if i had accepted what people were saying and known that i was going to be dead by my 20th birthday, then i would have accepted that too, and would have just focused on going out as fast and hard as i could.
and i look at myself now, and i think wow i survived again. after all i've gone through, i can survive anything. nothing can kill me now.
i'm 20 years old, i work part time and am looking for a full time job. i have an amazing family who i love more than anything. i have good friends, and a gorgous boyfriend who treats me amazing, makes me laugh and is all i ever dreamed of.
i have achieved all my dreams, despite the odds, despite all the things that kicked me back i have done it. and you know what, i wish the same for everyone else.