today marks one month since i got on that bus and left my whole life behind me. its been a long month, but also incedibly short at the same time.

a lot has changed in my life in the past month, and not just in terms of the obvious change of scenary. i've grown up a lot i think, and become a more together person. theres still a lot of work to do, but i'm getting there slowly.

i've been out searching for jobs the past two days, and i had an interview nearly two weeks ago, but even if i do get that job i know i can do better. whatever i get, it'll be money coming it because at the minute i'm completely skint and its driving me crazy. i have under 20 pound to last me until the end of the month, and honestly i cant see that working. i went out busking yesterday though and made about a fiver so i know i can make some money if i'm really desperate, at least enough for a pouch of baccy or something.

i'm getting better emotionally, and in terms of looking after myself. i actually physically cannot sleep now without removing all my makeup and brushing my teeth, although my tea and tobacco addiction has got worse. i actually dont get up now in the mornings without a cup of tea and a fag in bed

i'm off the weed though nearly enough. i had a joint today, had a few the other weekend but thats all. i'm trying to go as clean as possible while i sort myself out, and i havent touched anything stronger either. admittedly the smoke here is pretty damn strong but thats just a fact and i like it that way. it means i can get fucked off hardly any again, but that could also be because my tolerance is dropping again.

it was hard for the first few weeks here, i'll admit that. i got extreemly homesick and it combined with a bad bipolar swing and my monthlys so i was a state for a week. i was crying every night, ready to do myself in, and begging for any contact i could get with home. i'm thankfully not in that state any more, just keeping going and fighting for it. Luke is helping just by knowing hes there and hes mine.

we dont see each other as often as i would like, but i know that he has a lot going on and i honestly do too, its best i focus on what i need to focus on, and hes made me rediscover the meaning of less is more. just the few timse he might call me babe or darling lights up my whole world, makes my heart pound in my chest. i'm so in love with him, i actually didnt know it was possible to feel quite this strongly, to get this reaction. because i've felt like i might have been in love before but its nothing as powerful as when he hugs me or kisses me, or when i see him smile at me. its so, so weird.

the next two weeks are the hardest of my year as we mark the birthdays of my father on friday the 4th of june, and my daughter holly on sunday the 13th. Dad would be 55 next week, and Holly would be 3 two weeks tomorrow. i think about them both all the time and love them more than anything. i'm still writing my yearly letter to holly and its more painful this year than any other, but thats just because i know its a change. i'll write to her every year, but every year i know it will fade a bit and this year is only hard because its the first year i've been this far from where i was when she was born. pieces of that day are still coming back, and i now remember hearing her scream just that once, as i was regaining conciousness. at least i heard her once.

i'm going away now, i've a busy week ahead and i'm really kind of stoned and tired and i have to cook for derry. he wants an egg sandwhich and so do i kind of i just wanted to update my journal and let you all know that i was doing okay. this week will be nuts, as theres a beer fest tonight i dont know if i can be bothered to go too, i'm sure theres things going on in town tomorrow, i want to go busking, theres a beach party on saturday, folk festival all weekend, something on thursday but i cant remember what and i'm supposed to be going up to devon for a few days to go camping with luke too so its going to be mad! i'll also be waiting on call backs from jobs and possibly hafting to go for interviews.

so this is sam out until next time loving you all every day and thinking about you 24/7.