Devious Journal Entry by ~samjo27 on deviantART

Devious Journal Entry

by ~samjo27, Apr 21, 2010, 2:54:23 PM
Journals / Personal

So as my last week in Cork begins I find myself reflecting a lot on what has come and gone, on what has changed in my life and what I've learned. In a weeks time i pack up and leave Ireland forever, turn my back on everything that i once knew and head off to start a new life.

I'll admit I'm afraid of what's going to happen over there, of what I'm leaving behind. I'm afraid of having nothing, of leaving behind all my friends who have seen me grow and develop into what I am today, but at the same time I am excited about it. What I am now isn't that good a thing, to be honest. Life has been pretty damn hard on me while i've lived here, things have gone from bad to worse, then jumped back up before colapsing again around my shoulders. i've gone through pregnancy, death, and now drug addiction. i've lost my mind and found it again and lost it again. i think i still dont know just how many mental problems i have, and i know it will be years before i'm fully able to get the help i need or come to terms with lots of what is wrong with me.

Cork has been good to me, but it's also been bad. i've met some good people here but in the end the drugs drove them all away from me, and i'm leaving with nearly nothing left of my own. maybe this is best, maybe it'll do me better to get away like this and be fresh and clean with nothing really holding me back. i care a lot for most of the people here, but not enough at the same time. i would love to be able to say that people here would miss me and not want me to go, but i honestly dont think its true. so many people have told me that i'll be dead within three months of getting over there, but i dont think so. i honestly believe in my heart of hearts that this move will save my life. i'm going to get off the drugs, get a job and get myself sorted out. thats what its all about.

i'm staying with my sister and her family while i get myself sorted out. originally this was just going to be for a few days or a week or so, but its looking more and more like me and evie might just wait it out and get a place together when she finishes school, about a month after i get there. i guess we'll see what happens.

i leave cork in a weeks time.

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