truth journal


i am eighteen years old
my name is sammy-jo hussey gibbons
my date of birth is 27th october 1990
i had a daughter, called holly
her father doesnt know i named her
his name is brendan and hes my best friend
when i was eleven i found my grandfathers body
and i had to look after my dad for the rest of his life
i grew up when i was sixteen
my dad died of cancer when i was sixteen
i was too weak to go and say goodbye to him
i just went in, said hi, and then left
that night haunts me all the time
i found out i had cancer when i was seventeen
i didnt tell anyone about it
i skipped days of college in my first month to go and get it fixed
fixing it involved jabs and pills
no-one knew what i was doing with that
the only person i told about my cancer was my mate cloud
later i told someone else, sonik
i dont talk to either of them as often as i'd like now
i have no real friends offline
most people think i'm weird because of my past
there is only really four people i talk too offline
and three of them i talk to more online than off
when i was sixteen i promised myself i'd be dead by june 09
a part of me still wants to complete that promise
when i was fourteen someone very close to me commited suicide
at the time i didnt know he was my brother but i called him brother
i found out after my father died that he was my blood brother
my dad had an accident before i was born and forgot his memories
he knew he had another kid but nothing more
i got beaten up most of my youth by my stepfather
i left home at seventeen with my boyfriend
whenever i came back home he would do it again
my stepfather is on disability because of back issues but still manages to move fast enough when he wants to hit me
my mother never believed a word of it
when i was seven i had to call the guards on my stepdad because he tried to kill my mum and me
i've always lived as second best against my brother and sister because they're my stepdads kids
everyone i've ever cared for has died
i have maybe been in love twice in my life
i probably arent now...
but i always think i am at the begninning of a relationship
the only people who i can truly say i've been in love with are luke and michael
but i often think that i am in love and dont realise till after the truth
for me being in love is when i still dream about the person years later
and i only have that with two people...
being in love doesnt always have to mean romantic
it can mean on the level of best friends, and you might never want more
i never stop loving people once i've loved them once
and i dont get over past relationships
if luke or michael tried to talk to me again i'd go in an instant
no matter who i was with or what i was doing
i am a complete flirt
and i dont trust myself in long distance relationships
and no matter how much i might love someone i cant do it
i dont like to be touched unless i initiate it
the only place i feel comfortable is outside pochinnos in town
i spend an average of twelve hours a day online
i forgive too easily and can never hate
i dont think i will ever be in love again
the hardest thing was saying goodbye
i still havent managed to get over a single loss
when i was sixteen, just, my best friend got stabbed to death
i wrote about all of that in a piece on dA
i still love david more than anything
i think he was the third person i've been in love with
i will never forget him and always cry for him
i would give anything to have him back
i write a lot because it helps me escape but doesnt really help
writing is just escapsism not getting over it
i broke down when mags died
mags was a really good friend and i miss her every day
my best friends in the world are brendan endie and benji
if anything happened to any of them i would die
and i know that and admit that and making sure they're safe is my priority
i dont believe in love any more, i think i've had my share
though often i think i'm in love for the fourth time without even knowing
i know who though
but hes too far away for me to even think about it, so i just keep my promise
and i will keep that promise till the day i die
because its my one link to the person who means most in my life
i dont get on with my family
i want to move out again and will end up on the streets if thats what it takes
by xmas this year i promise i will see my best friend
but if not it'll be because i'm dead
not that it'd be that much of a loss
i have lots more to write
but it'll come later
ill edit again soon

UPDATE

more of the truth

when i was seven my uncle raped two kids, also seven
when i was fifteen i lost my virginity to one of the two guys
i didnt know about what my uncle did until i was sixteen and he was locked up
the guy in question was just using me to get back at my uncle
he thought i knew and was doing the same as colin did
i only found out who the boys were in feb 07 when someone told me it to hurt me
i never forget someone i love
i have cheated several times in my life and always regret it
everyone i love dies
i dont get along very well with my family at all
i cant hate my uncle even now
i would like to but i cant
the last time i saw one of my close friends was at my dads funeral
he carried my father and then was dead two months later
i could never forget simon even if i tried
a lot of the time i wish i was dead
i live on my internet because it is my escape
things online make me cry
i read obsessivly because it helps me to escape
i cant move on and it hurts other people
i wish i could stop loving people but i cant
i write poetry to get over people
i never ever stop loving people
even my poetry doesnt help me any more
i dont talk to anyone from my past
the people who i still talk to who i have known the longest are brendan and peewee
friendship is an illusion to me
i always think i'm going to die
i am ready to die and wait for it
the only reason i'm not dead now is because i love my friends too much
i love unconditionally
someone once said that i love too easily and that makes people love me back
i believe thats the most truthful thing i've ever been told
i want to be a librarian when i'm older
that dream has stuck with me since i was fourteen years old
i really hate my stepdad most of the time
i got beaten up too much when i was young to ever trust
if someone shouts i start crying
i'm terified of conflict
i slept with one of my best mates on rebound while me and bren were splitting up
i dont really regret it
even though i didnt talk to that person for months afterwards
i still love every person i ever loved before
i have been used too many times
i fear being used or hurt again
so i make sure i'm in control of things
even though it hurts others
and i hate hurting my friends
i love you all to some extent
but very few as much as i should
i believe that RIP does not mean rest in peace, just reborn in paradise
i am too adicted to deviantart
i smoke a lot, and smoke green as well as tobacco
i hardly ever drink
but i like getting drunk

another update
i took spike back, and i loved when we were together
he dumped me by text, and i still love him
i worry about him constantly
i worry about everyone constantly
having my best friend back is all i ever wished for
i believe life is all little circles
and they go around and around and around
but in the end, you will always come back around and be okay
and thats all that matters really
i never stopped thinking about luke the whole time we didnt speak
no matter whats going on, i know that i can be happy
i've survived the worst and nothing can ever bring me down again