Dear Dad,
It's your birthday in a few weeks, and then it'll be your five years. half a decade has gone so fast, and i still think about you and miss you every single day. i wish you were here with us still, I wish you could meet Aisling and your second granddaughter; she's due on your birthday but I don't think I'll go that long. I hope I won't, because this pregnancy has been really tough on me and i don't know if i can handle much more of it. part of me wants her out right now, but part of me really hopes she holds off and waits until your birthday, so that she really is a part of you. but then i know thats stupid, because it really won't help with the healing process. i know you're up there and looking down on us all with holly by your side. give her a cuddle from me dad, and tell her that mummy loves her and hasn't forgotten, i know my little girl would be turning 5 in a few weeks and she'll be in my heart every second of that day; she's always there with me and i'll never forget her. half a decade is a long time.

i dunno dad, i guess i'm just feeling really really down right now about everything. i thought i was doing so well but some days i slip and just have a weak one, and it effects adam and aisling and its not fair on them but ais will never understand the pain i go through every day, and i don't think adam gets it either. i don't think there's anyone in the world who truly will. i just miss you, so much, and want you here to talk to and to share these things with you. even five years down the line nearly people still bring you up in conversation to me, and it still makes me want to break down every time. yeah, i smile because i'm proud to be your daughter and proud that people still want to talk about you, that you're still so remembered, but at the same time its heartbreaking because it shouldn't just be stories... you should still be here for me and be sharing all this with us, there should be more stories being written.

i've decided i'm going to run the london marathon dad, not this year cause its already been and gone but probably in about 3 years time... i'm gonna run it for you and for liver cancer, so hopefully i'll be able to help other people, and more than that make you proud. i've fucked up so much over the years i don't think there's much left for you to be proud of.

i love you daddy, with all my heart and soul, and i miss you every second of every day. i love you

your sam <3

Hey Daddy,

Just another letter to you, another rambling set of thoughts which may or may not go anywhere, because I like to think wherever you are now you're getting someone to read these to you, and laughing at how stupid and silly I'm being. Was talking about you and Mick to Maria the other day, laughing and joking about the pair of you... Mental to think he's been gone 11 years, but we know you're both sat up there with a pint in one hand and a spliff in the other, laughing at us chasing your grandkids around and thinking haha we've done all that its their turn now.

I'm having another one Dad, and he or she is due on your birthday... It's, well I'll admit I cried when they told me what day he's due (cause like with Aisling I'm convinced this ones a boy). Its gonna make the beginning of June finally easier to manage, at least after the year he turns one, when I know it's going to be stupidly tough and break me into pieces... I've picked out his name though, if its a boy, and he's named for you, just like Aisling would have been.

Seems almost like a full circle if I'm honest, because I'm moving back to Ireland too, to be closer to mum and the kids and bring up the family properly with family around them... It's been fun living here but its time to go back where I belong... I guess that runs in the family right? After all, Granddad bob did it, and you ended up back in Cork even though you weren't born there... Guess the Gibbons genes just drive us back to that dump, because its where we always belong.

Ugh, I knew this would turn into rambling rather than any real thoughts, or saying anything, but I guess I just wanted to let you know about your second grandchild, and say happy xmas and new year really.

I love you Dad,

Sam xxx

Hey Daddy,

Hope you're doing okay up there, I just felt like leaving you a little message now because I was looking at this picture, and its your birthday in 2 days. Getting old now Dad, but still young forever live the dream dad, live the dream.

I miss you every day, every second that passes you're in my heart. Its mad to think that five years ago you were as excited as I was about my pregnancy, about you being a grandparent and us having another one, another member of our little tribe. I still remember you being so horribly protective over me especially then, because I was carrying the next generation inside me. Holly might not have made it through but the net generation is here, Dad, and she's so so pretty. I wish you could meet her, I'm just glad she knows who you are. Shes nine months next week, and just starting to talk, and the other day I came in from having a cig (I know you hate them but I've been addicted since you died) and she was holding your picture, the one I had on the cd case, and saying "amPa amPa amPa" ... I cried daddy, just a little bit, and it was bittersweet not sad... I'm so proud my little one knows who you are already. I'm going to bring her up knowing about you dad, and about holly, because neither of you will ever be forgotten in my house. You are my family, and I know you both look down on me every signle day and keep me going.

I've started a project for you dad, for your 5th aniversary, and so far it's going great. I've found so many of your old friends, a man you used to know when you were in your early 20s living in London, a student you sent on the road and turned into a hippy just like yourself. The stories I'm hearing are mindblowing, you wouldn't even believe how special they are to me, to hear from other people about you instead of just what I remember as your daughter. And I got back in contact with Scooter last week, after all these years I managed to trace him down on the internet... Computers are wonderful things nowadays.

I miss you Daddy, every single day you're in my thoughts, my heart, my mind. In case I don't write you something on Monday always know that I'm thinking of you, you're never far from me and I'll be doing something for you to mark your special day.

I love you, Your daughter always, Your Sammy-Jo.

(And of course your grand daughter Aisling too)

Hey Dad,

been such a long time since i've written to you, on here or anywhere, but you're always in my mind and i miss you so much every day. i talk to you every day even if i dont write to you, and never a day goes by without me wishing you were here with me.

you have a granddaughter now daddy, your first granddaughter was born on 5 september last year. a little girl called Aisling Jayne Hussey, and shes beautiful. shes got bits of you in her, i can see you in her every single day. it breaks my heart but makes me complete too, because her personality is so much like yours and it just reminds me that you're never really gone, you're with us in some way.

times gone so fast dad, i dont even know where its gone or whats happened to me. its 2 years this month since i left cork behind forever, five years this year since you left us, yet it feels like only a few days ago. five years is a lifetime dad, not just a short few days, but it still hurts as much as it ever did.

i have my own house now, and my beautiful little girl to keep me busy, but you're always in my thoughts and your picture lives on top of the tv so i can see you every day i need to, every day you're in our lives but i still miss you so so so so much.

i love you daddy, i keep telling aisling that you're her "grandpa kev" when she tries to grab at the frame. i love you.

i miss you so much, i wish you were here to be with us right now, to meet her and be as proud as her as i am, to be part of our lives. you weren't supposed to be gone before she came dad, you were supposed to meet her and be part of our lives, the proud grandpa who came over to see us all the time.

i miss you and i love you so much daddy

Love, Your sam xxxx

hey dad,

been a while since i left you a message like this... i dunno i guess i just feel like saying hello.

we're just passed your three year mark now, and i'm living in leicestershire with mums sister, getting on with life looking for work and applying to uni and the like. i like it up here, and i've only just found out that your mum was originally from brum, so i'm going to try and trace that side of the family, see what i can find out and see if i can get in contact. i hope you'd be proud of me for that. i want to find out whats going on with the rest of the family, and maybe get to know them all.

i love you daddy, and i miss you every day.

love, your sam xxx

hey daddy how's it going up there?

i'm moving to the uk this Month love, i'm finally ready to pack up and go and just start a fresh new life with a new start and everything different. i wont forget you, i know that, but i think its about time i moved on with my life and got myself together. i'm sick of living in the past and just being lost in it all and never knowing where i'm going, and i think its time for me to go forward and see what i can do with myself over there. if ever there was the right time to go its now dad, now while i feel ready and i'm able to emotionally. i'm going to Marilyns first to start out and then hoping to find work up in exeter... i know thats where i want to settle because thats where Luke is... and i cant settle away from him when i'm already so close... it would just seem so stupid in my mind.

i'm hoping to go on the 29th dad, i'm replacing my passport tomorrow and just going on the 29th, starting a fresh life. i wish you were here to see me do it though, i wish you were here to send me off, to drive me to the bus and see me on my way. i know you would be so proud of me, but then at the same time i know i probably would never be at this point if it wasn't for how things went with you. but know i love you, and you're always in my heart, even when i go i'll be thinking about you, and i'll message again when i get there.

i love you daddy, always and forever,

your Sam, your josie

hey daddy, hows it giong up there my love? i miss you... so very very much. things are so strange down here at the minute, everythings up in end but i know i'd be gone right now if it wasnt for you and knowing that your there and okay.... i want to come home to you soon but i know i cant, because i promised luke i wouldnt.... but if it wasnt for that i'd go right now.... i just want my daddy back...

i'm going to come home to you one day dad, i promise... but it cant be till at least at the end of the summer, because i promised luke that i'd be there and see him at least once before i go... and i need that... and mikeys coming home, thats good right? the MICC branch of the darren shan fan club will be back together, for one mad stoned summer... and luke will be here, and maybe benji... and it'll be okay.

i just wish you were here with me i wish i could talk to you about everything thats going on, that i could still communicate with you and share my thoughts through some other way than this, which i know you cant raed... i just wish... i wish they hadnt turned off your phone, because i used to leave you messages... i still had your number until i changed my phone, i still have it on that sim card, but it hasnt worked for about a year... and it breaks my heart... you know we all left you messages right? every time i'd check there'd be another few there... i just... i miss you...

i love you daddy, always and forever, i'll always be your josie...

sxxxxx

well dad, its been two years... its a long time love, it really is. feels like a lifetime, and yet no time at all. the two years have gone so fast in one respect, it feels like only a minute ago that i last saw you, but then i think about how long they've stretched too... its been years since i've seen you, i've done so much, and yet so little. its strange, but i know i miss you.

its like, i've known luke forever, and yet i've only known him a year longer than you've been gone... and it feels like you've only just gone... its hard.

sam was here last night, and i asked him, does it ever stop hurting, and he just held me and said no but it gets easier... and i love him for that dad, nearly as much as i love you.

i miss you daddy, happy aniversary

two years on thursday... i miss you. put up the journal today. thinking about you love

its important to preserve precious things of the past like these kinds of photos I wish that you two will meet again somewhere peacefully <3